Series One
Ser.1 Ep.1:
C.J. has had a favourable
report from Esther Pigeon of market research on the new range of 'exotic
ices' to be produced by Sunshine Desserts.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing a favourable report when I read one."
Ser.1 Ep.1:
C.J. tells Reggie of his
optimism for the project: "This is going to be a real winner".
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing a real winner when I see one."
Ser.1 Ep.1:
After a tasting session
to determine the three most popular flavours of ice cream, the surveys
are processed by the computer, which suffers a fault.
"I didn't get where I
am today by selling ice cream tasting of bookends, pumice stone and West
Germany."
Ser.1 Ep.2:
C.J. asks to see Reggie
to tell him about the declining sales figures, saying he will come straight
to the point.
"I didn't get where I
am today by waffling."
Ser.1 Ep.2:
Reggie asks C.J. for a holiday,
but C. J. refuses, then decides to make a compromise.
"I didn't get where I
am today without learning how to compromise."
Ser.1 Ep.4:
Reggie tells C.J. of his
schooldays encounter with the company's German sales rep., Mr. Campbell
-Lewiston.
"I didn't get where I
am today by biting people in the changing room."
Ser.1 Ep.4:
At Reggie's dinner party
(without food), Mrs. C.J. asks if Reggie's paintings are of Scotland. C.J.
tells her they are of the Algarve, in southern Portugal.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing the Algarve when I see it."
Ser.1 Ep.4:
C.J. rebukes David Harris-Jones
for getting drunk and dropping his trousers at Reggie's dinner party (without
food) the previous night.
"I didn't get where I
am today by wearing underpants decorated with Beethoven."
Ser.1 Ep.5:
Reggie's eccentricity starts
to build on the day of his big speech at Bilberry Hall.
"I didn't get where I
am today by saying 'earwig' instead of 'thank you'."
Ser.1 Ep.5:
C.J. advises Reggie on how
to calm his nerves before the speech.
"I didn't get where I
am today without having a little champagne, not too much, just enough."
Ser.1 Ep.5:
C.J. has had enough of Reggie's
drunken ramblings during his speech at Bilberry Hall.
"I didn't get where I
am today by talking about Dutch parking meter disease!"
Ser.1 Ep.5:
During his drunken speech,
Reggie asks anyone present from Tarporley (in Cheshire) to "stand up and
shake hands with the person on your right".
"I didn't get where I
am today by shaking hands with the person on my right!"
Ser.1 Ep.5:
C.J. reads Reggie's threatening
letter which he has posted under his front door while C.J was asleep.
"I didn't get where I
am today without getting letters from cranks."
Ser.1 Ep.5:
C.J. re-reads the letter
and decides to take it seriously.
"I didn't get where I
am today without making enemies."
Ser.1 Ep.6:
C.J. reflects on Reggie's
disappearance with Tony Webster and David Harris-Jones in 'The Feathers'
pub.
"I didn't get where I
am today wondering what life's all about."
Ser.1 Ep.6:
Reggie's disappearance has
set C.J. thinking.
"I didn't get where I
am today by thinking."
Ser.1 Ep.7:
At Reggie's memorial service,
the vicar's eulogy remarks on Mark Perrin's - Reggie's son - West End debut
with the line "Here are the gumboots you ordered, Madam."
"I didn't get where I
am today by going on and on about gumboots."
Ser.1 Ep.7:
At Reggie's 'wake', C.J.
is confused by the country Martin Wellbourne (Reggie in disguise) has come
from.
"I didn't get where I
am today by knowing the difference between one country and another."
Ser.1 Ep.7:
C.J. tells Martin Wellbourne
how Reggie's disappearance has changed his outlook on life.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing there's no fun in getting where I am today."
Ser.1 Ep.7:
Reggie's former secretary
Joan asks C.J. what the new project for making people happier at Sunshine
Desserts is to be called.
"I didn't get where I
am today without naming it the 'Reginald Perrin Memorial Foundation'."
Series Two
Ser.2 Ep.1:
Reggie, as Martin Wellbourne,
hesitates befor sitting on C.J.'s farting office chairs. C.J. concurs.
"I didn't get where I
am today trusting the easy chairs."
Ser.2 Ep.1:
Joan has smothered Reggie
with kisses after realising his true identity. C.J. enters the office and
tells Reggie he has lipstick on his face.
"I didn't get where I
am today by having lipstick on my face."
Ser.2 Ep.1:
C.J. is outraged when Doc
Morrissey tells him who Martin Wellbourne really is.
"I didn't get where I
am today by posing as my long lost friend from the Argentine."
Ser.2 Ep.1:
C.J. sacks Reggie for fooling
him with his disguise, telling Reggie "I could practically destroy
this firm if I started caring about people."
"I didn't get where I
am today by caring about people."
Ser.2 Ep.2:
Elizabeth goes to Sunshine
Desserts for a job.C.J. tells her "this world has no room for broken reeds,
lame ducks or stool pigeons."
"I didn't get where I
am today by making room for broken reeds, lame ducks or stool pigeons."
Ser.2 Ep.2:
C.J. states his views on
sex, before asking Elizabeth to go to his country retreat the following
Saturday.
"I didn't get where I
am today indulging in hanky panky."
Ser.2 Ep.3:
C.J. tells Reggie it is
Tony who is having the affair with Elizabeth, and that Tony's liking for
young blondes is merely "a front" for his real preferences.
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising a front when I see one."
Ser.2 Ep.3:
C.J. also tells Reggie he
has found Tony and Elizabeth in "suspiciously unsuspicious" positions in
the office, which C.J. claims is "another front".
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising another front when I see one."
Ser.2 Ep.3:
After Reggie fights with
Tony Webster, thinking he is having an affair with Elizabeth Perrin, C.J.
sees Tony sporting two black eyes.
"I didn't get where I
am today by having two black eyes."
Ser.2 Ep.3:
C.J. asks Elizabeth why
she typed a rude letter. "It's the truth", says Elizabeth.
"I didn't get where I
am today by telling the truth."
Ser.2 Ep.4:
C.J. admits that Sunshine
Desserts has entered a slight financial wobble.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing a slight wobble when I enter one."
Ser.2 Ep.4:
C.J. is confident of Reggie's
new venture.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing Grot will be a success."
Ser.2 Ep.4:
Sunshine Desserts is declared
bankrupt. C.J. tells Reggie that they have entered "another slight wobble."
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising another slight wobble when I enter one."
Ser.2 Ep.5:
As Reggie interviews C.J.
for a position at Grot, he tells C.J. "the night is darkest before the
storm."
"I didn't get where you
are today without knowing the night is darkest before the storm."
Ser.2 Ep.5:
C.J. accepts Reggie's job
offer but tells him he is fussy about his working environment.
"I didn't get where you
are today without being a bit of a stickler for offices."
Ser.2 Ep.6:
C.J. agrees with Reggie
at a board meeting when he tells his staff that EuroGrot is "making promising
inroads in Europe."
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising "promising inroads" when I see them."
Ser.2 Ep.6:
Reggie quotes 'someone'
who disapproves of Seamus Finnegan's appointment. (Spoken by Reggie, not
C.J.)
"I didn't get where I
am today by having Irish labourers promoted over my head."
Ser.2 Ep.6:
Jimmy presents to the assembled
staff his completely useless machine.
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising a completely useless machine when I see one."
Ser.2 Ep.7:
Reggie starts behaving eccentrically
again, dictating a letter to a Welsh Grot branch about not serving Welsh
people. C.J. waits while he dictates the letter.
"I didn't get where I
am today by serving Welsh people."
Ser.2 Ep.7:
C.J. tells Reggie that the
Germans want to call its first Grot branch "Grotfabrieken Rubbishhausen."
"I didn't get where I
am today by calling it "Grotfabrieken Rubbishhausen."."
Ser.2 Ep.7:
C.J. has joined Reggie and
Elizabeth in leaving his clothes on a beach. Dressed as a tramp, he asks
Reggie "for 10p for a cup of tea, Guv?"
"I didn't get where I
am today without asking for 10p for a cup of tea, Guv."
Series Three
Ser.3 Ep.1:
Reggie tracks down C.J.
for his community project, but tells him he will have to 'be nice'.
"I didn't get where I
am today by being nice."
Ser.3 Ep.1:
C.J. laughs at Tom's joke.
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising a rib-tickling play on words when I hear one."
Ser.3 Ep.1:
C.J. voices his disapproval
at babysitting.
"I didn't get where I
am today by having green frogs thrust down my crotch."
Ser.3 Ep.1:
C.J. is still moaning about
having to babysit.
"I didn't get where I
am today by changing nappies."
Ser.3 Ep.1:
C.J. rebukes Tom for not
working hard enough.
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising a person who doesn't pull his weight."
Ser.3 Ep.2:
C.J. poses as a West Indian
house-buyer, blacked-up but with white eyes and lips,
Al Jolson style, to make
Reggie's neighbours move out so Perrins can expand.
"Ah dint get where ah
is today without recognising a mahty fine residence when ah sees one, no
sirree ma'am, ah dint."
Ser.3 Ep.2:
Perrins' guest Mr. Babbacombe,
an undertaker, is convinced his profession "sticks out a mile". C.J. tries
to reassure him.
"I didn't get where I
am today by telling undertakers from anyone else."
Ser.3 Ep.3:
There is discord among the
members of Perrin's.
"I didn't get where I
am today listening to married couples squabble like children."
Ser.3 Ep.3:
During the manager-worker
role play, Reggie suggests to C.J. that the men should play each other's
roles, so that "they could learn about the 'them and us' situation which
bedevils British industry so tragically."
"I didn't get where I
am today learning about the 'them and us' situation which bedevils British
industry so tragically."
Ser.3 Ep.4:
Reggie tells C.J. that space
is at a premium, and that he must share a bedroom with McBlain, the chef.
"I didn't get where I
am today by sleeping with sweaty, Caledonian chefs."
Ser.3 Ep.4:
C.J. agrees with Tony's
opinions about Perrins' success.
"I didn't get where I
am today without recognising Success City, Arizona when I see it."
Ser.3 Ep.4:
At a Perrins communal evening,
a guest proclaims "money is evil" and invites everyone to tear up their
banknotes. C.J. nearly does, but changes his mind.
"I didn't get where I
am today by tearing money into small pieces!"
Ser.3 Ep.4:
At the same communal evening,
Doc Morrissey suggests that "touching is good" and invites everyone to
touch each other. Again, C.J. tells everyone his thoughts.
"I didn't get where I
am today by touching everybody!"
Ser.3 Ep.5:
Reggie, C.J. and a few guests
try out an exercise on a commuter train by talking about that morning's
weather, but ending each word with 'ergle'.
"I didn't gergle where
I am todergle without recognising a mergle that looks like rain when I
see one."
Ser.3 Ep.5:
Femme fatale guest Deborah
Swaffham suggests to C.J. that they have a role-playing session of
'mothers and fathers'.
"I didn't get where I
am today by playing 'mothers and fathers'."
Ser.3 Ep.6:
C.J. says of Doc's 'elixir':
"We can't afford to look a gift horse in the mouth. Or go down with a sinking
ship."
"I didn't get where I
am today by looking a gift horse in the mouth. Or by going down with a
sinking ship."
Ser.3 Ep.6:
Doc Morrissey invites the
staff to try his new 'elixir', which he admits has only been tested
on pencils.
"I didn't get where I
am today by drinking a liquid that's only been tested on pencils."
Ser.3 Ep.6:
C.J. disapproves of Jimmy's
idea for surprising the group of local thugs, who are about to attack Perrins.
"I didn't get where I
am today by being disguised as half a compost heap!"
Ser.3 Ep.7:
Now working at Amalgamated
Aerosols, C.J. is angry at the results of the
smelling survey, especially
as one person (Reggie) has been a little overimaginative.
"I didn't get where I
am today by everything smelling of a Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap!"
1982 Christmas Special
Xmas Special:
C.J. has called round on
Christmas morning to see if Reggie is OK.
"I didn't get where I
am today by burying my head under a bushel."
Xmas Special:
Reggie gives C.J. a
wooden horse which Doc Morrissey had given to Reggie, although C.J. had
given it to Doc the year before.
"I didn't get where I
am today by taking a gift-horse to water, after the stable door was opened."
Series Four
Legacy Ep.1:
At Reggie's (real) funeral
service, C.J. agrees with the vicar's eulogy.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing God moves in mysterious ways."
Legacy Ep.1:
While no-one expects anything
personally from Reggie's will, C.J. says they should "never look a gift
horse in the bush."
"I didn't get where I
am today by looking a gift horse in the bush."
Legacy Ep.1:
Elizabeth tells the solicitor
Geraldine Hackstraw on behalf of all present that they were all pleased
to come to the reading of the will. C.J. agrees.
"I didn't get where I
am today without being pleased to come."
Legacy Ep.1:
Geraldine tells the congregation
that to claim the money they will have to do something absurd.
"I didn't get where I
am today by being absurd."
Legacy Ep.2:
C.J. tells Geraldine that
he and Mrs. C.J. never got round to divorcing because it costs so much
money.
"I didn't get where I
am today by throwing money into the hands of overpaid lawyers."
Legacy Ep.2:
Geraldine tells C.J. he
is 'mature', 'ripe'. C.J. tells her she makes him sound like a cheese.
"I didn't get where I
am today by sounding like a cheese."
Legacy Ep.2:
C.J. points out that nobody
has any ideas for earning their money, but doesn't want to quash the excitement.
"I didn't get where I
am today by pouring cold water over a wet blanket."
Legacy Ep.2:
Elizabeth has elected a
leader for the campaign. C.J. wrongly assumes it is him.
"I didn't get where I
am today without being able to see which way the wind is blowing."
Legacy Ep.2:
Elizabeth compares Jimmy
to Sir Winston Churchill, in an effort to instil confidence in their new
leader.
"I didn't get where I
am today by comparing Jimmy to Sir Winston Churchill."
Legacy Ep.3:
C.J. mistakes Joan's new
boyfriend for a burglar.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing a burglar type when I see one."
Legacy Ep.3:
C.J. tells his brother he
can't be bothered to go out recruiting people for the campaign.
"I didn't get where I
am today by sweating my guts out over a bloodless revolution."
Legacy Ep.4:
C.J. asks Geraldine if she'd
go to bed with him.
"I didn't get where I
am today without striking while the bird in the hand is hot."
Legacy Ep.4:
After C.J. apologises to
Geraldine, she says how it must have been difficult for him to do so. C.J.
agrees.
"I didn't get where I
am today by apologising."
Legacy Ep.4:
C.J. feels that Joan's boyfriend
Hank has been used and discarded like an old sock.
"I didn't get where I
am today by using and discarding people like old socks."
Legacy Ep.5:
C.J. tells a journalist
all about the campaign. The journlist asks him why he did it.
"I didn't get where I
am today by taking over the government."
Legacy Ep.5:
Tom and David, disguised
in ginger wigs, spy on C.J. as he tells another journalist of the campaign.
The journalist spots the suspicious characters and tells C.J.
"I didn't get where I
am today by caring about ginger-headed strangers."
Legacy Ep.5:
C.J. feels out of place
at the double wedding reception of Tom, Linda, Hank and Joan.
"I didn't get where I
am today feeling like a fish out of water but you can't make him drink."
Legacy Ep.6:
Jimmy persuades C.J. to
lend the campaign the money to book coaches for the rally to London.
"I didn't get where I
am today without spending lolly to earn even more lolly."
Legacy Ep.6:
Jimmy has overslept and
forgotten he is hosting today's meeting. He asks C.J. to be a 'good chap'
and let the others in when they arrive.
"I didn't get where I
am today by being a good chap."
Legacy Ep.6:
Jimmy's repeated request
to book more coaches angers C.J.
"I didn't get where I
am today by booking more coaches."
Legacy Ep.6:
Jimmy's plan for booking
coaches pays off. C.J. admits it was a shrewd idea.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing a shrewd idea when I hear one."
Legacy Ep.7:
An idea for Jimmy to take
over a BBC news broadcast is welcomed by C.J.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing a shrewd idea when I hear one."
Legacy Ep.7:
On the day of the rally,
coaches booked for daytrips have to be diverted. C.J. makes up an excuse.
"I didn't get where I
am today without knowing the Lake District is full."
Legacy Ep.7:
After being halted by police,
Elizabeth tells the crowds in London that "'someone' has betrayed us."
"I didn't get where I
am today without wondering who has betrayed us."
Legacy Ep.7:
C.J. is indifferent after
everyone ignores him, blaming him for the failure of the campaign.
"I didn't get where I
am today by being upset by being 'sent to Birmingham'."
